Searching for an Identity
Most of our lives can be spent trying to create ourselves, brand ourselves, explain–justify?–to the world our existence. . . if we don’t know who we are in our Father’s eyes. But then, sometimes, even then, even when we think we have entered into the truth of who we are, have heard our Father’s voice wash over us, have read His word and let His truth penetrate our hearts, it is difficult to stay there–to believe, sometimes, that we really, truly, are enough.
How can that be–to be enough? What does it take to let that fully sink in?: To believe, in our deepest places, the truth that we are loved, His beloved, His child–that we are each perfectly and wonderfully made; that He knit us together in our mother’s womb and knew our name before we were born? (Psalm 139: 13-14)
He has had plans for us. He continues to have plans (Jeremiah 29:11). He sees our heart and seeks and pursues His child when she is lost. And it breaks His heart to see lies of her identity weigh on her heart, her chasing down bits and pieces of an identity that she wants to wear around instead of the one He has already created for her, the truth of who she already is.
She is the one for Him. She is no mistake. He does not condemn her and turn away wishing she were someone else (Romans 8:1). His love is not conditonal, dependent on good behavior, a certain appearance, job, clothes, car, family. She is beautiful and she is adored. She is her Father’s daughter.
I know this. I know the chasing of identities not my own. It began long ago, and, unfortunately, I do it still. Here, as I write, I teeter on a fine line: I am tempted to try to create myself, present to you an image of who I want you to think me to be. I can do anything here, can’t I, with these words on the page, using words to create, present, an identity for myself that looks good, is accepted, loved? Or I could try.
But now, right now, I am tired.
And I refuse to do that anymore.
I am tired, weary of the work of it all and the false hopes that come with the dream of being loved, accepted, of working to recreate me, as if God hasn’t already done a good enough job. I don’t care anymore. Well, that’s not really true. At least, I don’t want to care anymore.
Let me accept truth, Father, not lies.
I don’t have time or room in my anymore to try to be someone I am not. Who am I to say how He has made me to be isn’t what is best anyway? Rather than doubting my loving Father, why not believe Him, that I am a good plan–and then desire, more than anything, to stay in that truth of being loved, just as a am.
Why is this so hard?
We live in a world where Jesus was not accepted, where Satan, the deceiver, lives to steal us away from the truth of who we are (Revelations 12:9). As John and Stasi Eldredge put it in their books, Captivating and Wild At Heart, there is a battle for our hearts. We are being fought over. It is not a small battle, over each of us. Our hearts are being fought for in epic porportions. We are wanted. Our Father wants us. He can’t turn away. He finds us captivating.
So, His girls, don’t turn away. The adventure that awaits you is not one of exhaustion and frustration in pursuing something false. The adventure is in looking for the heart you already have–the truth you already are–and staying. Staying there. With Him.
He does not stumble, He does grow weary. His love is not fickle and untrue. He is here, for you. Come, let Him show you who you are, for the first time, or for the hundreth. . . Father, remind me agian, the truth of who I am.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired, His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youth grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they wil mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired. They will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40:28-31).
So, stay. I invite you to join me on this adventure with Him, one of His girls. This is what I intent to pursue in this site: His truth, His truth in me, the reality of our identiy in Him, nowhere else.
Join me. I rise up, tired of being tired.
In love, to you, my sisters,